The Silver Lining in a $4,000 Dental Procedure

As you loyal fans know, I was recently given the devastating news that my mouth had to undergo a pricey procedure for a cracked tooth - and when I say pricey, I mean selling-your-first-born-pricey.

The procedure sucked, but the aftermath was much more thrilling as I was given something equivalent to euphoria, that's right: vicodin. I have to say, people typically rave about vicodin, but my memory told me that it just caused me to vomit everywhere having my wisdom teeth taken out years ago, but ooooo-eeeeeeeee how times have changed!

Vicodin could quite possibly be one of the best things that has happened to me -- I'm a changed woman! Suddenly, the world look brighter and people I would usually judge I seemed to instead find "unique." Let me share a few examples:

- Barista at Peet's Coffee was wearing a full-on-to-the-break-of -dawn grill. Yeah, GRILL like platinum mouth piece covering his front teeth (gotta spell it out for the older blog readers out there). Along with his grill he had a platinum and gold (authenticity is in question) watch and a GIANT gold chain. This was all accompanied by a nice little brown apron. Now, typically I would think, "Oh WOW, what a douche." Do you know what I thought in my vicodin state? I giggled and thought, "that man has quite the imagination. how delightfully silly of him!"

- Man rollin down fillmore street (quaint street with boutiques, cafes etc) with his sebring convertible open jamming to Journey and screaming out the lyrics at the top of his lungs. My usual thought, "Douche alert." My thought on vicodin, "oh! what a wonderful singing voice that lad has!!"

- Woman walking down the street with rainbow golf umbrella, that is actually like a golf umbrella times 2 -- giant. Have never seen anything like it. She is approaching me, walking down the left side of the street while I, the law-abiding citizen, is walking down the right side of the street. Due to mammoth size of her umbrella, she couldn't see, and therefore full on hit me with her soaking wet umbrella. My usual thought, "B*tch watch it!!" My thought today, "oooooooooo rainbows!"

Now, I know this seems like a heart-warming story, but as they say, all good things must come to an end. The end in this case? An empty vicodin bottle. Oh, lord, it was the best of the times, and it was the worst of times. The day without vicodin couldn't have seemed longer. As I was mentally and physically still aching, I called my doctor for a refill. Much to my delight she agreed.

I raced in the pouring rain down to Walgreen's, I eagerly waited in line, squirming with pure anticipation of what awaited me at the counter. I stepped right up and proudly spelt my last name, but much to my surprise the pharmacy technician said, "Oh, I see this is a new prescription for you. Let me get the pharmacist."

Panic raced through my veins. "What. Wait. There must be some kind of mistake. No. That can't be right. I'm here for Vicodin. Yeah. Vicodin."

Technician: "oh miss, your doctor called in the generic version this time."

Me: "No. NOOOO (voice reaching a feverish pitch and hitting octaves only special dogs can hear)."

All of the sudden, things started happening, I was fidgeting, my toes were tapping, suddenly the second hand on the clock was ticking loudly and the pharmacist started grinning like a clown. I needed the real stuff.

Well, it didn't happen. Everyone knows the generic shit doesn't work. She could have just given me aspirin. And to think, I raced in the rain and got hit by that b*tch with that lame rainbow umbrella for this.

Karma Strikes... Twice

As you loyal fans know (or those of you that can scroll down), my last post not only talked about a crazy homeless(ish) guy, but featured a picture of some random toothless man. What's my point? My point is: Karma is a bitch and I am being punished because I've exploited the stories of people who are crazy, junky, or homeless (or all of the above).

This weekend, I was eating (shocker) and bit down on a extra crispy (not really chewable) tortilla chip. I had a little sting of pain, and then, as I moved my tongue over the back of my mouth I noticed that I was now MISSING A TOOTH!! Yes. I kid you not. Thank god the said missing tooth is in the back of my mouth, but it's still disturbing.

To make matters worse, I accidentally signed up for an HMO dental plan (attention to detail was never my strong suit). I cannot even begin to guess how much a new tooth will cost me, but I do know it will be "a lot," and I also know i do NOT have "a lot" of money. I could potentially soon be homeless as a result of dental bills.

I had a glimpse of the homeless life this morning on the bus. The bus was packed, and an old haggard homeless woman gets on, and she was actually wearing her life. Let me explain: She was wrapped in her urine-soaked sleeping bag, and even had digging utensils (for the garbage cans) on her back. The bus was filled with yuppies with their burberry scarves and prada handbags, and when she got on, the stench was so overwhelming that we all started gasping for air- opening the windows and sticking our heads out to get away from the smell. It didn't work.

I digress.

The point is: I may soon become this homeless person. But at least I'll have my tooth back.

Turtle Man

I swear I don't make this shit up:

Last night I was in Walgreens waiting in line at the prescription counter when the guy wanders in. He looked like a taller and more sickly version of Richard Lewis, was dressed in a long black fake velvet or fur coat (it doesn't matter, whatever fabric it was, it did NOT look like real anything). I definitely stood out as weird looking, with his glitter ring and all, but what really tipped me off was when he tried walking by all of us in line, and hit us with a giant rectangular option protruding out the side of his coat.

Let me put this in context. Picture a microwave under a coat. That's how big this object was and it was under this long weird coat. So I definitely had my eye on him.

Soon he cut to the front of the line, and asked the pharmacist:
"Hey do you have turtle food?"

Pharmacist: No. We don't care turtle food.

Man: What about reptile food?

Pharmacist: Nope.

Man: (distressed, nearly in tears) But........ (siiiiiiighhhhhhhhh)..... what do turtles eat???? Lettuce???

Pharmacist: Yeah, maybe

Man: But he won't eat it!!!!!!! He won't eat lettuce!!

Pharmacist: Is he a baby turtle?

Man: No. Well, I mean, he looks old, but I don't really know, I found him in a garbage can.

Me: (burst out laughing but disguised it with a coughing attack)

Pharmacist: Did you go to a pet store?

Man: (again, so so so sad, looks up at her completely defeated) I've tried EVERYTHING. He hasn't eat in a month

Pharmacist: A month????????

Man: Yeah, and he is like really REALLY depressed.

Pharmacist: Ok, well go to the pet store.

Man walks on, turtle cage under coat, looking defeated.

Bad Outfit + Hangover = Ego-damaging Misunderstanding

Cliff Notes Version:

Oh sh*t. I look like a work at a discounted retail store.

Full Story Version:

I should have seen it coming, when I left the house yesterday, I knew I looked like a walking hangover. Hair was up in a bun, glasses, long over sized sweater, and sneakers. Yep, I seriously left the house like that. After catching a glimpse of myself in a window I asked my boyfriend if I looked like a grandma. He answered my question with another question, "what does a grandma look like?," which should have been my answer. But instead of changing, we went onward to run some errands.

We arrived at Ross, this junky discounted retailer store (slogan is "dress for less"), to buy towels and socks (yep, a sexy Sunday), and I slowly began to realize just how bad I looked. I was perusing the towel aisle when a short woman approached me with a question.

short woman: excuse me....

me: yes? what would you like me to grab off the top shelf?
[You see, me and the short people of the world have a connection. They can't reach things up on shelves, and I can. So we work together to make the world a better place.]

short woman: oh, um, nothing. I was just curious if you could tell me if this (holding item) is a bath towel, or a bath mat?

me: (thinking: hmm this is odd... i guess i do look quite knowledgeable..) yep, this is definitely a towel.

short woman: oh, great. do you have others in a different color?

me: (thinking: F*CK -- SHE THINKS I WORK HERE.) (actions: bow head. slump shoulders. leave the scene.)

The valuable lesson here: I should really start trying at life.

Showbiz Pizza "Performers" Want to Make Love in this Club

Have you ever heard Usher's retarded song called "Make Love in This Club?" No? Maybe? Let me jog your memory with a few key lyrics:

"I'll be like your medicine, you'll take every dose of me. It's going down on aisle 3. I'll bag you like some groceries"

(Um... what?)

"Have you ever made love to a thug in the club with his sights on? 87 Jeans and a fresh pair of Nikes on. On the couch, on the table, on the bar, or on the floor. You can meet me in the bathroom yeah you know I'm tryna go"

(I know I've made love to a thug in a club, but.... can't remember if there were a fresh pair of Nikes on....)

Ok, well I bring up this junk-tastic song because these very lyrics have inspired the mechanical animal performers of Chuck-E-Cheese/Showbiz Pizza (same thing in my book) to actually "perform" this song.

This YouTube video has been out for a bit, but I cannot stop laughing my ass off about it. Check it out. And watch all of it, we wouldn't want you missing the lyrics about the fresh Nikes... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur8AwQHusZw

Genius. Pure Genius. If only I had the steady hand and/or the technology to pull this off myself...

Homeless Man Speaks "Dog"

Tonight I was waiting for the bus when I heard barking nearby. Nothing out of the ordinary... just a dog barking... waaaaaaaaait a minute... that actually doesn't sound very much like a dog. Hmmmm where is this noise coming from??

I peered across the street, only lit by the dim glow of the liquor store Budweiser sign and sure enough I saw a weathered man barking. Yep, barking, like really loudly. But wait, what is he barking at? Ohhhhhhh that makes sense... he is barking at a DOG. Ummm.

Poor German Shepherd with tied up to a fire hydrant, relaxed and looking up at the loon with those big puppy eyes, seemingly asking, "What the f*ck?" The homeless man continued to come closer and closer to the dog barking louder and louder each time. The dog clearly didn't give a shit and never barked back.

Feeling hopeless and alone, the man stumbled into the liquor store, likely to speak Chinese to the cashier.