Turtle Man

I swear I don't make this shit up:

Last night I was in Walgreens waiting in line at the prescription counter when the guy wanders in. He looked like a taller and more sickly version of Richard Lewis, was dressed in a long black fake velvet or fur coat (it doesn't matter, whatever fabric it was, it did NOT look like real anything). I definitely stood out as weird looking, with his glitter ring and all, but what really tipped me off was when he tried walking by all of us in line, and hit us with a giant rectangular option protruding out the side of his coat.

Let me put this in context. Picture a microwave under a coat. That's how big this object was and it was under this long weird coat. So I definitely had my eye on him.

Soon he cut to the front of the line, and asked the pharmacist:
"Hey do you have turtle food?"

Pharmacist: No. We don't care turtle food.

Man: What about reptile food?

Pharmacist: Nope.

Man: (distressed, nearly in tears) But........ (siiiiiiighhhhhhhhh)..... what do turtles eat???? Lettuce???

Pharmacist: Yeah, maybe

Man: But he won't eat it!!!!!!! He won't eat lettuce!!

Pharmacist: Is he a baby turtle?

Man: No. Well, I mean, he looks old, but I don't really know, I found him in a garbage can.

Me: (burst out laughing but disguised it with a coughing attack)

Pharmacist: Did you go to a pet store?

Man: (again, so so so sad, looks up at her completely defeated) I've tried EVERYTHING. He hasn't eat in a month

Pharmacist: A month????????

Man: Yeah, and he is like really REALLY depressed.

Pharmacist: Ok, well go to the pet store.

Man walks on, turtle cage under coat, looking defeated.