Karma Strikes... Twice

As you loyal fans know (or those of you that can scroll down), my last post not only talked about a crazy homeless(ish) guy, but featured a picture of some random toothless man. What's my point? My point is: Karma is a bitch and I am being punished because I've exploited the stories of people who are crazy, junky, or homeless (or all of the above).

This weekend, I was eating (shocker) and bit down on a extra crispy (not really chewable) tortilla chip. I had a little sting of pain, and then, as I moved my tongue over the back of my mouth I noticed that I was now MISSING A TOOTH!! Yes. I kid you not. Thank god the said missing tooth is in the back of my mouth, but it's still disturbing.

To make matters worse, I accidentally signed up for an HMO dental plan (attention to detail was never my strong suit). I cannot even begin to guess how much a new tooth will cost me, but I do know it will be "a lot," and I also know i do NOT have "a lot" of money. I could potentially soon be homeless as a result of dental bills.

I had a glimpse of the homeless life this morning on the bus. The bus was packed, and an old haggard homeless woman gets on, and she was actually wearing her life. Let me explain: She was wrapped in her urine-soaked sleeping bag, and even had digging utensils (for the garbage cans) on her back. The bus was filled with yuppies with their burberry scarves and prada handbags, and when she got on, the stench was so overwhelming that we all started gasping for air- opening the windows and sticking our heads out to get away from the smell. It didn't work.

I digress.

The point is: I may soon become this homeless person. But at least I'll have my tooth back.

Turtle Man

I swear I don't make this shit up:

Last night I was in Walgreens waiting in line at the prescription counter when the guy wanders in. He looked like a taller and more sickly version of Richard Lewis, was dressed in a long black fake velvet or fur coat (it doesn't matter, whatever fabric it was, it did NOT look like real anything). I definitely stood out as weird looking, with his glitter ring and all, but what really tipped me off was when he tried walking by all of us in line, and hit us with a giant rectangular option protruding out the side of his coat.

Let me put this in context. Picture a microwave under a coat. That's how big this object was and it was under this long weird coat. So I definitely had my eye on him.

Soon he cut to the front of the line, and asked the pharmacist:
"Hey do you have turtle food?"

Pharmacist: No. We don't care turtle food.

Man: What about reptile food?

Pharmacist: Nope.

Man: (distressed, nearly in tears) But........ (siiiiiiighhhhhhhhh)..... what do turtles eat???? Lettuce???

Pharmacist: Yeah, maybe

Man: But he won't eat it!!!!!!! He won't eat lettuce!!

Pharmacist: Is he a baby turtle?

Man: No. Well, I mean, he looks old, but I don't really know, I found him in a garbage can.

Me: (burst out laughing but disguised it with a coughing attack)

Pharmacist: Did you go to a pet store?

Man: (again, so so so sad, looks up at her completely defeated) I've tried EVERYTHING. He hasn't eat in a month

Pharmacist: A month????????

Man: Yeah, and he is like really REALLY depressed.

Pharmacist: Ok, well go to the pet store.

Man walks on, turtle cage under coat, looking defeated.

Bad Outfit + Hangover = Ego-damaging Misunderstanding

Cliff Notes Version:

Oh sh*t. I look like a work at a discounted retail store.

Full Story Version:

I should have seen it coming, when I left the house yesterday, I knew I looked like a walking hangover. Hair was up in a bun, glasses, long over sized sweater, and sneakers. Yep, I seriously left the house like that. After catching a glimpse of myself in a window I asked my boyfriend if I looked like a grandma. He answered my question with another question, "what does a grandma look like?," which should have been my answer. But instead of changing, we went onward to run some errands.

We arrived at Ross, this junky discounted retailer store (slogan is "dress for less"), to buy towels and socks (yep, a sexy Sunday), and I slowly began to realize just how bad I looked. I was perusing the towel aisle when a short woman approached me with a question.

short woman: excuse me....

me: yes? what would you like me to grab off the top shelf?
[You see, me and the short people of the world have a connection. They can't reach things up on shelves, and I can. So we work together to make the world a better place.]

short woman: oh, um, nothing. I was just curious if you could tell me if this (holding item) is a bath towel, or a bath mat?

me: (thinking: hmm this is odd... i guess i do look quite knowledgeable..) yep, this is definitely a towel.

short woman: oh, great. do you have others in a different color?

me: (thinking: F*CK -- SHE THINKS I WORK HERE.) (actions: bow head. slump shoulders. leave the scene.)

The valuable lesson here: I should really start trying at life.

Showbiz Pizza "Performers" Want to Make Love in this Club

Have you ever heard Usher's retarded song called "Make Love in This Club?" No? Maybe? Let me jog your memory with a few key lyrics:

"I'll be like your medicine, you'll take every dose of me. It's going down on aisle 3. I'll bag you like some groceries"

(Um... what?)

"Have you ever made love to a thug in the club with his sights on? 87 Jeans and a fresh pair of Nikes on. On the couch, on the table, on the bar, or on the floor. You can meet me in the bathroom yeah you know I'm tryna go"

(I know I've made love to a thug in a club, but.... can't remember if there were a fresh pair of Nikes on....)

Ok, well I bring up this junk-tastic song because these very lyrics have inspired the mechanical animal performers of Chuck-E-Cheese/Showbiz Pizza (same thing in my book) to actually "perform" this song.

This YouTube video has been out for a bit, but I cannot stop laughing my ass off about it. Check it out. And watch all of it, we wouldn't want you missing the lyrics about the fresh Nikes... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur8AwQHusZw

Genius. Pure Genius. If only I had the steady hand and/or the technology to pull this off myself...

Homeless Man Speaks "Dog"

Tonight I was waiting for the bus when I heard barking nearby. Nothing out of the ordinary... just a dog barking... waaaaaaaaait a minute... that actually doesn't sound very much like a dog. Hmmmm where is this noise coming from??

I peered across the street, only lit by the dim glow of the liquor store Budweiser sign and sure enough I saw a weathered man barking. Yep, barking, like really loudly. But wait, what is he barking at? Ohhhhhhh that makes sense... he is barking at a DOG. Ummm.

Poor German Shepherd with tied up to a fire hydrant, relaxed and looking up at the loon with those big puppy eyes, seemingly asking, "What the f*ck?" The homeless man continued to come closer and closer to the dog barking louder and louder each time. The dog clearly didn't give a shit and never barked back.

Feeling hopeless and alone, the man stumbled into the liquor store, likely to speak Chinese to the cashier.

The Pigeon and the Power-Walker

The title sounds enchanting like a Grimm's' Brothers fairytale, but I assure you - it is no such thing.

I shall proceed....

This morning I was walking to work with latte in hand, music in ear, and dread in my heart. In fact, my music was so loud that I was completely unaware of the noises around me -- including the power-walker in his loud wind pants and the muffled "i'm dying" noises from a pigeon on the sidewalk.

I think you can see where this is going.

I was in my own world, until at the very last minute I noticed an extremely obese pigeon face planted in the middle of the sidewalk. In a split second I started to take an abrupt step to the right to avoid the carcass, but was SIDE SWIPED by the power walker to my right. Not only was I hip-checked and punched by his ever-so-intensely pumping fists, but I may have gotten wind burn -- from, yes, his wind breaker.

With my right "lane" blocked by said douchebag, I was forced to step towards the pigeon. Thankfully, I used my long limps to stretch my leg as far forward as possible to miss the bird completely.

It was horrifying: both the prospect of stepping on the sidewalk-kill and the pigeon's apparent ignorance about trans fats and carbs after 10 p.m.

Lesson learned.