Bad Outfit + Hangover = Ego-damaging Misunderstanding

Cliff Notes Version:

Oh sh*t. I look like a work at a discounted retail store.

Full Story Version:

I should have seen it coming, when I left the house yesterday, I knew I looked like a walking hangover. Hair was up in a bun, glasses, long over sized sweater, and sneakers. Yep, I seriously left the house like that. After catching a glimpse of myself in a window I asked my boyfriend if I looked like a grandma. He answered my question with another question, "what does a grandma look like?," which should have been my answer. But instead of changing, we went onward to run some errands.

We arrived at Ross, this junky discounted retailer store (slogan is "dress for less"), to buy towels and socks (yep, a sexy Sunday), and I slowly began to realize just how bad I looked. I was perusing the towel aisle when a short woman approached me with a question.

short woman: excuse me....

me: yes? what would you like me to grab off the top shelf?
[You see, me and the short people of the world have a connection. They can't reach things up on shelves, and I can. So we work together to make the world a better place.]

short woman: oh, um, nothing. I was just curious if you could tell me if this (holding item) is a bath towel, or a bath mat?

me: (thinking: hmm this is odd... i guess i do look quite knowledgeable..) yep, this is definitely a towel.

short woman: oh, great. do you have others in a different color?

me: (thinking: F*CK -- SHE THINKS I WORK HERE.) (actions: bow head. slump shoulders. leave the scene.)

The valuable lesson here: I should really start trying at life.

Showbiz Pizza "Performers" Want to Make Love in this Club

Have you ever heard Usher's retarded song called "Make Love in This Club?" No? Maybe? Let me jog your memory with a few key lyrics:

"I'll be like your medicine, you'll take every dose of me. It's going down on aisle 3. I'll bag you like some groceries"

(Um... what?)

"Have you ever made love to a thug in the club with his sights on? 87 Jeans and a fresh pair of Nikes on. On the couch, on the table, on the bar, or on the floor. You can meet me in the bathroom yeah you know I'm tryna go"

(I know I've made love to a thug in a club, but.... can't remember if there were a fresh pair of Nikes on....)

Ok, well I bring up this junk-tastic song because these very lyrics have inspired the mechanical animal performers of Chuck-E-Cheese/Showbiz Pizza (same thing in my book) to actually "perform" this song.

This YouTube video has been out for a bit, but I cannot stop laughing my ass off about it. Check it out. And watch all of it, we wouldn't want you missing the lyrics about the fresh Nikes... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur8AwQHusZw

Genius. Pure Genius. If only I had the steady hand and/or the technology to pull this off myself...

Homeless Man Speaks "Dog"

Tonight I was waiting for the bus when I heard barking nearby. Nothing out of the ordinary... just a dog barking... waaaaaaaaait a minute... that actually doesn't sound very much like a dog. Hmmmm where is this noise coming from??

I peered across the street, only lit by the dim glow of the liquor store Budweiser sign and sure enough I saw a weathered man barking. Yep, barking, like really loudly. But wait, what is he barking at? Ohhhhhhh that makes sense... he is barking at a DOG. Ummm.

Poor German Shepherd with tied up to a fire hydrant, relaxed and looking up at the loon with those big puppy eyes, seemingly asking, "What the f*ck?" The homeless man continued to come closer and closer to the dog barking louder and louder each time. The dog clearly didn't give a shit and never barked back.

Feeling hopeless and alone, the man stumbled into the liquor store, likely to speak Chinese to the cashier.

The Pigeon and the Power-Walker

The title sounds enchanting like a Grimm's' Brothers fairytale, but I assure you - it is no such thing.

I shall proceed....

This morning I was walking to work with latte in hand, music in ear, and dread in my heart. In fact, my music was so loud that I was completely unaware of the noises around me -- including the power-walker in his loud wind pants and the muffled "i'm dying" noises from a pigeon on the sidewalk.

I think you can see where this is going.

I was in my own world, until at the very last minute I noticed an extremely obese pigeon face planted in the middle of the sidewalk. In a split second I started to take an abrupt step to the right to avoid the carcass, but was SIDE SWIPED by the power walker to my right. Not only was I hip-checked and punched by his ever-so-intensely pumping fists, but I may have gotten wind burn -- from, yes, his wind breaker.

With my right "lane" blocked by said douchebag, I was forced to step towards the pigeon. Thankfully, I used my long limps to stretch my leg as far forward as possible to miss the bird completely.

It was horrifying: both the prospect of stepping on the sidewalk-kill and the pigeon's apparent ignorance about trans fats and carbs after 10 p.m.

Lesson learned.

The Gift That Says "I Own Your Balls"

Valentine's Day is soon approaching, and for all of you that are still racking your brains searching for the perfect gift, well, look no further.



SMITTENS! The number one way to own your significant other's balls.


This gift not only says "I own you," but it also challenges your boyfriend or husband's manhood. What will he choose - you and your junky gift, or his masculinity.


These gems can be found at Restoration Hardware. Yeah, this is seriously a product. No photo shopping was involved in this post.


Note: Thanks to CrunchGear (http://www.crunchgear.com/) for bringing this ridiculousness to my attention.

Theraflu Tastes Like Warm Vomit

A little bit about me: I have an awful cold and have been in bed the last three days ill and deliriously shouting out non-sequitors like : I was born in a canoe; My hair tastes like candy canes; Phil Collins is allergic to peanuts.

Let's fast forward to today: my friend Lindsey suggested that I try some magical medicine called Theraflu to get better quicker. As such I made the four-block trek to Walgreen's and feasted my eyes on the packaging that said "Severe Cough and Cold." While reaching for the box I remembered Lindsey's warnings about the flavors: Only get lemon or citrus... the others are disgusting... remember... berry isn't merry.

Well god dammit I forgot the last little jingle she came up with, and sure enough the Severe Cold and Cough was berry flavored. I can honestly say that the flavor would be much more accurate if it were called "warm soothing vomit." I mean, it really truly tastes like vomit. In fact, now I feel like I have to go vomit.

UGH when will the madness end??!?!?!?

Buyer Beware: Grandma Candy Virtually Ignored at Hood Supermarket

As you all may know from a previous post, I have an affinity for grandma candy, Good & Plenty, in particular. I'm not going to point any fingers, (SAFEWAY IN WESTERN ADDITION aka "The Hood"), but not everyone feels the same way. And that hurts.

I was at safeway stocking up on potatoless and beanless soup (truly a challenge) and as I went to the check-out lane i noticed that the candy that my heart yearns for was, well, not in high demand. Only because I took pity on the overflowing number of purple boxes did I purchase one box.

That was my last pleasant memory of the licorice treats. When I got home I opened up the box, full of anticipation like a 5 yr old on Christmas morning. I took my first handful and my god, it was awful. It was like chewing on tar maybe even hardened concrete- i'm not sure which would be worse.

It seems as though the box had been sitting on the shelf for a minimum of 2 years. Are the Good & Plentys victim of the recession? Or a victim of evolving tastes? I suspect the latter of the two -- all the young whipper snappers out and about craving their chili cheese fritos and sour patch kids. It makes me sick to my stomach that the joy that is licorice has gone out of style. At least in the hood.

We must band together if we want to see quality Good & Plentys in the future.